MY INBOX IS FULL

Your duck is dead

2006-09-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

Why Birth Control is So Very, Very Important! Part Four

2006-08-27T00:28:00.000-07:00

Why Birth Control is So Very, Very Important! Part Three

2006-08-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

Why Birth Control is So Very, Very Important! Part Two

2006-08-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

Why Birth Control is So Very, Very Important! Part One

2006-08-27T00:11:00.000-07:00

The Importance of English

2006-08-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Why is it important to learn "English" when you live in the United States????

The Organist

2006-08-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breast’s were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her chest and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.......

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

PRICELESS !!!!

2006-07-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

Trip on ‘Airforce One’ to visit army generals - $1 000 000

New Suit - $ 6 000

Weatherproof Jacket complete with US Flag Patch - $ 500

Bulletproof Vest - $ 6 000

Commander in Chief on your Nations Defense Forces using binoculars without the lens cap removed - $$ Priceless $$

The Real Cowboy

2006-07-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colds working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

About Golf...

2006-07-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

" Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Having a Bad Day????

2006-07-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better??

Positive proof of global warming

2006-07-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

ENGLISH RAILROAD GAUGE

2006-07-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The Canadian and American standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the Canadian and American Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The Canadian and American standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

Early Bird Flu Precautions

2006-07-10T03:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday Morning Sex

2006-07-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just Passed away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her Grandmother replied,"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing Our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, "simply in on the Ding
and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the dam ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

Brain cramps

2006-07-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Four Friends

2006-07-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at university homecoming.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said: "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said: "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received: a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Star Trek Lost Episodes

2006-07-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0 !"

"Data, what does your scanners show?"

"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . . .

"Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but appearently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

Hired Hand

2006-07-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

An old man and woman owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner -- she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you. The gay guy said, Okay. So she said, Take my shoes off, so he did. She said, Take my stockings off, so he did. Then she said, Take my dress off, and he did. She said, take my bra off, so he did. Then she said, Take my panties off, so he did. Finally, she said, if you leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.

The Fastest thing!

2006-06-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich?for speed."

Then he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with The third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd s**t my pants!"

Which Airline?

2006-06-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta. A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f**k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".

WRY WRITINGS

2006-06-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

1.Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the"Bucs," what does that make theTennessee Titans?

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3. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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4. If people from Poland are called Poles, whyaren't people from Holland called Holes?

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5.Do infants enjoy infancy as much asadults enjoy adultery?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If a pig loses its voice, is itdisgruntled?

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7. Why is a person who plays the piano called apianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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8.Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onetyone?

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9.If lawyers are disbarred and clergymendefrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboysderanged, models deposed, tree surgeonsdebarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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10. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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11. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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12. I thought about how mothers feed theirbabies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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13. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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14. You never really learn to swear untilyou learn to drive.

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15. Ever wonder what the speed of lightningwould be if it didn't zigzag?

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16.If a cow laughed, would milk come outof her nose?

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Walmart

2006-06-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Walmart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!" Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says. If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman. Sorry, Ma'am," the greeter says, standing aside, "You and the twins have a nice day." The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike". The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

2006-06-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Canadian Women

2006-06-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged
that he had told his wife she was going to do all the
dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their
house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes
were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told
them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye . . . enough to fix himself
a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a
landscaper.......

Vices

2006-06-07T05:22:00.000-07:00

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Sneezing

2006-06-06T05:31:00.000-07:00

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

Zoo

2006-06-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposesof the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, heis attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws the bees into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to one of the lions and says, "What's the food like here?"
The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish andChimps with Mushy Bees."

Walmart Greeters

2006-06-06T03:39:00.000-07:00

Two elderly Walmart greeters were sitting on a bench during break.

One turns to the other asking,"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed, his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question,"Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

If Ya Gotta Go...

2006-06-06T03:37:00.000-07:00

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties"

"That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you.'

2006-06-06T00:36:00.000-07:00

Bad Parrot

2006-06-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

A guy named Mike received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Mike tried to change the birds attitude and was consistently saying polite words and playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. he yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mike put the bird in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and scream. Then suddenly there was silence ! Not a sound for half a minute.

Mike freaked out and thought he may have hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mike's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Mike was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I be permitted to ask what the f*ck the chicken did?"

The Woodpecker story

2006-06-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker
were arguing about which state had the hardest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in
Texas that no woodpecker could peck.

The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge
and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Texas woodpecker was in awe.

The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the
Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in Louisiana that was
absolutely un-peckable.

The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it
that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas
tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana
tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came
to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Story With a Moral (Little Johnny)

2006-06-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

The parochial elementary school teacher gave her fifth grade class an
assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke, then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

I'm Doing It!!!

2006-06-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have received over 3000 emails the past few years that I never seem to get to. Now I have decided to post them on this blog, enjoy!